Love

For many years, I spent a lot of time on the fence over the idea of having children. B was always very supportive of me and told me that he would endorse whichever path I chose. There was a point in my life where I was pretty certain that we would be DINKs (dual income, no kids). But I would waver from that thought time and again, and eventually I got pretty comfy up there on my fence. Always looking from one side to the other, never quite sure which side was the right side to choose.

In May of 2006, I went in for a routine exam. I was 29 at the time, and I already knew I had a fairly benign medical condition that might interfere with getting pregnant. I thought I still had plenty of time to try and figure out if I wanted to have kids. Near the end of my appointment, the doctor told me if we wanted to have a baby, we'd need to get pregnant in the next year. You can probably imagine the anger, panic and frustration I felt when faced with the pressure of making such a monumental decision. I knew I wasn't making this choice alone, but that still did not do much to allay the mental and emotional turmoil I suddenly found myself in. This situation certainly did not allow for any snap decisions, so we decided to approach our choices very slowly. We opted to think about it for a few months and then open up the topic to discussion. See where each of us was on the matter. So we talked a little bit in July. And again in December and January. We finally decided in February to give it a shot. We told ourselves if it didn't work out, it wasn't meant to be. That gave me some comfort so that 10 or 20 years down the road, I wouldn't berate myself for making the "wrong" decision.

When I found out I was pregnant, my thoughts swung between "We are going to have a baby!!! YAY!!!" and "Holy crap, we are going to have a baby." Throughout my pregnancy with Caiden, my feelings often shifted from wonder to fear to excitement to awe to panic to happiness and even doubt at times. Quite the roller coaster, right? If you haven't already figured it out, I really struggle with change. I like things to remain consistent. If things have to change, I like to know HOW they will change so I can be prepared. There was no way to 100% prepare for bringing a child into your life. Sure, I could get all of the physical things like a crib and diapers and toys and a changing table and clothes, etc. But the mental and emotional preparation was damn near impossible. And it really freaked me out. I was so scared that I would be unhappy. That I would feel like we made the wrong decision.

For much of my pregnancy, I had the hardest time imagining what life would be like after he was born. It was like I could see our lives up to that point, but anything beyond that was a huge mystery to me. I just could not picture myself as a mother.

And then Caiden was born. At first it was hard for me to put together that this curly haired blue eyed newborn baby was the same little person who was growing inside me for nine months. But as soon as he was in my arms, I could barely take my eyes off of him. We bonded quickly in those first few days of his life in this world, and I love him more than I could ever put into words. The amount of love I have for him feels overwhelming sometimes. But it's a good thing. It's almost like my heart keeps growing every time I think of him. I knew what it was to love someone before he came along, but I never knew that this particular kind of love existed. I know what it means now when people say, "you won't understand until you have a child of your own." Caiden's purpose in life is to show me how much my mother and father love me. I totally get it now. And I recognize what a tremendous void would be left in my heart and my life were something to happen to Caiden. He is absolutely and utterly amazing, and I am truly blessed to have him in my life.